• Thomas Messier

A hard conversation with the crew.

Today I got up and started right in working. I did my meds and vest while I worked on my computer. I had a few emails I wanted to send. I wanted to send the To Do list I made for the week to the crew, they had a few thing they wanted me to do as well.

As for the what, we had to have a long discussion about Matt and how we could move forward with the project. Matt has had a lot of personal things going on and the stress was really getting to him. He was diagnosed with mild bipolar that his therapists said he could keep under control if he slept well and didn’t get stressed. Well, you can’t decide what stressors come into your life most of the time and when you’re stressed, it is hard to sleep. Aidan, Matt, our kids, and I rented a lake house to try and be creative and get some work done. Well, with the kids there, a new dynamic, not traveling, etc. all of us were not feeling creative and actually were getting less work done.

We brought Katie on full time to work with us, she was a huge asset while she was working at a job she hated in the hospital. She had worked through about two years of covid and was burnt out. The trauma of watching people die, being yelled at by patient families, by patients, it was too much. It’s too much for so many hospital staff and they are getting done or changing careers. Anyway, she would come to the house during the day and we would work. Then omicron hit and I didn’t dare to see anyone.

Matt was working his business and on personal things and wasn’t around much. When he was we could all tell something had changed. Slowly we noticed he wasn’t himself and his stresses were often transferred to us. Just as many of ours were transferred to him. Aidan left the house to go home where he could have more quiet and work. He has since decided if we weren’t traveling he needs to get another job. We look forward to having his brilliance and passion back with us soon. Money is tight, we can’t pay everyone without something coming in.

We have also parted ways with the rest of our film crew, we have been in talks with another director. We’re trying to get him familiar with the project so he can hopefully put together a small team to edit together the footage we have in a shorter pilot episode. We’re doing a film crowdfunding starting in March. We will take the pilot to festivals and market it to the industry. We have already been talking to a Vice producer in a personal sense. She has given us much invaluable advice on the project. My goal is to have this docuseries on Vice or Nat Geo, or I guess HBO or Netflix. I’m not doing this for my health, I’m doing it to spread awareness, give people hope and inspiration when they feel down. Show everyone, despite people telling you you can’t, you CAN do anything.

We had a couple of phone conversations with Tom, Katie, Matt, and myself. We discussed his role on the project. He still wants to be involved, we have asked him to see someone about his bipolar. Some of his decisions really derailed this project and we can’t have that happen again. He was receptive to getting help and figuring out what’s going on so he can be happy and healthy too. Mental illness is nothing to be ashamed of. Many of us have something going on, I get very seasonally depressed. I think I have many ADD tendencies as well, focusing is often very hard for me. What happened wasn’t necessarily his fault, it’s the way his brain is wired. He’s a huge asset to Whitney Who and we would hate to lose him.

Tomorrow is a busier day, a few meetings and such. I exercised for the first time in about 2.5 months this evening too. I did stairs for cardio, my blood sugar dropped insanely low. I had to take a break for some sugar. Then I did one round of my circuit work out. I used to do three, with weights. My digression over the years is frustrating to me, however; I try to think of the opposite. Four years ago I was laying on life support being told I wouldn’t live another day. I’ve come a long way since then. I always want to be the best version of myself, Whitney Who, exercises meds, dialysis, writing, all of these things are making me who I want to be. I just have to stick with it when the going gets tough. You know what they say, when the going gets tough, the tough get going. Cheers,


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