Am I hurting the people around me? Am I strong enough?
Well, I haven’t written an update for almost a week now. Last week really sent me into a spiral of despair like I’ve never been in. For real. Thoughts of how the world would be better off if I hadn’t lived four years ago. If I had died while my son still thought of me as a hero. While people thought of me as a fighter instead of a mooch or a burden. There comes a point where people are tired of helping those that cannot help themselves and how can I? Some days I can’t get out of bed, some days I get up and I sleep on the couch all day. Some days I’m in such unbelievable pain that anyone talking to me makes me angry I even have to respond. The pain can be so unbearable that I cannot focus on other peoples words, let alone think up a response to them. I don’t voice that, or I didn’t. It just felt like complaining, but I think I did a much better pushing people away because I wasn’t telling them how I was feeling.
That doesn’t have much to do with Whitney Who except the fact that some of the things that happened with Whitney Who last week sent me spiraling down a dark hole. Some nights I still have been. Wondering how it would feel to die of kidney failure if I stopped doing dialysis. Or if I just stopped taking all of my meds. Asking myself over and over if that’s suicide or just letting nature take it’s course. I don’t know what to do. I feel so stuck in the situation I’m in, especially due to covid. I can’t really make my life that much better because I can’t work outside the house. Covid is running like wild fire through my state and across the country, when will the next strain start popping up? Who knows.
I don’t want to die. I would say 95% of the time I absolutely believe in myself. In this crazy dream I’m chasing. I want to help people, even if my closest friends and family think I’m crazy. Think I’m too sick to achieve this dream. Or thought that of all the other dreams I’ve had. Well, Whitney Who isn’t like all those other things I’ve done. I made headboards, and hanging trees, and ran a barber shop, and almost decided to run a paint company, and probably so many more things. Ya, I’m a dreamer and I’m a believer. I believe in my ability to transform nothing into something. I always knew I was supposed to do something with this life I was given. I have to help others, if I’m hurting some people in the meantime, it’s not intentional. If I ask someone to do something they don’t think they can do, then that’s on them. Not on me. If I ask someone to do something they don’t want to do, ok. Fine. They don’t have to, but how can I know they don’t want to unless they say something. It takes a team to create magic, I can’t do it on my own. I’ve known that for a long time. However; I can’t concern myself with people who think they can’t. I need to just move on and hope they find something they feel they can do and are happy with their decision.
The end of the week ended with accomplishing a bunch and the team becoming tighter than ever. We all know to make Whitney Who a reality we need to work harder than we’ve ever worked at anything. I just think of Elon Musk saying he works 20+ hours a day. He’s got a goal he thinks is more important than anything else. He’s trying to achieve it. Well, Whitney who I believe is very important. This isn’t about me, it’s about showing the world that there is so much to get out there and see and do. That while traveling we meet people that are mostly good, people aren’t who they are becoming online. We need to come back together and talk to each other in person, give each other the chance to be loving and kind to each other. Very few people are inherently bad, if they seem that way they probably are just hurting. Whitney Who is about spreading love and positivity.
I feel that Whitney Who has to happen and it has to happen now. The world is getting too sad and angry to continue the way it’s going. Do I think I can change the world? Maybe not, but I know I can change at least a couple of people and those people just might save the world. I hope everyone who has followed me for so long will jump on this bus with us and spread positivity whenever they can!