Today was a difficult day..
Today I spent my morning on the phone with my pharmacy trying to figure out if I could get one of my meds. I was told the med was on back order for several weeks. I let it go the end of last week because it was a nebulizer that I didn’t use all the time. However, a few nights ago I was up all night with indigestion and when I fell asleep I would aspirate into my lungs. That means whatever was in my stomach was coming back up and going into my wind pipe and I would choke on it. As soon as I choked on it I would wake up. This is very dangerous for your lungs. So I wanted to try and get the med before I ran out and wanted to do it twice daily for awhile after the aspiration. She looked around at all the Walgreens pharmacies and I called a few more in the area. They told me to try miller drug. This is what frustrates me though, how after two years of Covid have we not realized that maybe we should start making stuff back here in the US because we aren’t able to get it from over seas all the time. Businesses save so much money in labor costs, but it doesn’t reflect in the price of the item.
After I got no where with that medication I decided to call my dialysis nurse about my high blood pressures. Last week they upped one of my BP meds because they were so high, this week they were still really high. She called the doctor and they decided to have me do one of my BP meds three times a day instead of twice. I did some writing and filmed some for tiktok, edited a video and posted it.
From there my day went way downhill. Tom, Katie, Matt, and I spent hours on the phone trying to figure out our next steps for the show. We have been working really hard to get ready for our crowd funding campaign. It’s been a rollercoaster lately, but we’re not stopping. We’re going to double down and fight harder. Failure is not something I like, it’s something I’m getting tired of experiencing. This project is too important to let it fail. We cannot let it fail!
I don’t want to go too much into the details of today. A lot of things happened that really hurt my heart. That really put me in a bad place for a few hours and made me do something I regret. I yelled at my grandmother. I felt justified in what I said, but I had no right to yell at her. Or anyone, ever. I went up to my room and cried and cried - which I don’t really do. I came back down with my tail between my legs and asked my grandmother if I could talk to her. I could tell I hurt her feelings pretty bad, but once you say things you regret, you can’t take them back. You have to figure out how to tell the person you hurt that you’re sorry. That you didn’t mean to hurt them and it wasn’t an acceptable way to speak to them. My grandmother is the kindest, most giving and loving person I know. She and my grandfather have been there for me more than anyone else. My grandmother is my best friend. She really is. When I don’t live with them I always tried to come and stay a night or two every couple of weeks. We play games, do puzzles, watch our shows, talk, and laugh. My fear of losing my grandparents is becoming a fear that gets closer and closer to the front of my mind as I see them get older. My grandfather turns 85 in just a few days. He’s still as active as ever, but you can’t stop the hands of time.
I’m sorry, gram. I never want to hurt you or anyone. It seems like I am human and can only handle a certain amount of stress before I take it out on others, but I guess we always knew that. This was worse than me being annoyed or snippy, this was me actually yelling at you. It was unacceptable to anyone, but especially to you who I love and respect so much. I believe you have already forgiven me, but I hope that hurt doesn’t linger on. I am an asshole.